Tag: self-image

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Workplace Rivalry and Conflict

Getting over it… Conflict and Rivalry in the Workplace

Imagine that you are a balloon filled with air and that someone is hitting, kicking, squeezing you or perhaps sticking you with a pin. The end result would be that your air would be loss and you might be damaged. This would probably leave you hurt and discouraged. While I hope this is not your case, this is what many feel like after workplace and personal interactions with others.

Let’s say that the air in your balloon represents your ideas, creativity and your self image. Now imagine that someone is trying to squeeze and put pressure on you like with the balloon exercise mentioned above. The end result for many would be defensiveness. Whenever we feel attacked we usually behave defensively to protect ourselves.  When we act defensively we began to cover up, protect, resist attack, and our actions become reactionary. If this behavior continues it will breed contempt, division, anger and unhealthy competition with others. Progress is stunted because you cannot be creative and defensive at the same time. This mindset can easily creep into a team or relationship and before you know it there is a toxic environment where people, processes, and production can’t advance.

This leads many to hold onto a GRUDGE. This six letter word can stop a team, marriage, interpersonal relationship and yes a company from flourishing. I have seen grudges between VPs of the same fortune 500 hundred company that have led to conflicts within the organization. It caused directors and managers under each respective VP to continue the conflict with each due to the VP’s dispute. The grudge actually trickled down from the top. Due to a personal grudge, internal support was lacking within the organization. This caused division, dysfunction and productivity loss. The end result was an organization trying to provide for its customers with a damaged company core and a struggling team dynamic.

How do we get through an impasse? How do we move from an unhealthy relationship to one that is healthy and productive for the team? The best way to get rid of a grudge is to walk in forgiveness. This is not as easy to do as it is to say. However, the truth of the matter is that there will not be any significant growth to the team or organization without it. Sure the team can operate in dysfunction and caring on daily task but morale, production and team creativity will be low.  Low morale equals low productivity. Here are three points about holding a grudge and walking in un-forgiveness with others.

1. Un-forgiveness causes you to live in the past

2. You can’t move forward looking backwards

3. Un-forgiveness is like driving down I-95 S toward South Carolina while looking backwards…you will soon wreck!

However, forgiveness causes you to be free from the toxic mindset of revenge. It also shows that you are a strong person. Moving pass a wrong/perceived wrong causes you to have a stronger self image and demonstrates self-control.

Consider our example with the balloon except now your air is in a metal tank.  The same things can happen to you (as in our example) but now your air is protected by a strong healthy self image. You are in control of self and forgiving is a part of you. This is not to say that you need to be defensive or have a hard exterior (like a tank). Instead, you will have a healthy internal picture of self. A picture that is powerful and positive which will put you in control of your actions. This will cause you to be responsive not reactionary.

You can use this personal power in a positive way that attracts peace, unifies teams, and promotes advancement. Your efforts will produce a good a positive change for you and those around you. When a positive mindset of the people in the relationship (team or organization) change, the dynamic of all those involved will shift in a positive way. Often just a little shift in a team mindset can have an amazing affect on behavior, productivity and the culture of the organization.

Allen Forbes
Author and Corporate Speaker

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Four Warning Signs that your Man is Insecure

Insecure Men

All relationships have there share of struggles and for many of us they may start to seem normal. However, there are some struggles that may be a sign that you need to heed. Maybe your man is not as secure as he is portraying and it is creating havoc in your relationship. Here are some signs to look out for.

Jealousy

Many people may act jealous but a man who is insecure begins to become overprotective with you in public. He can’t stand the fact that you get so much attention and he may even accuse you of flirting with other men. When another man walks by or is in your presence he will immediately look at you to see if you are looking at him. Because you are not blind, when you look at another man he will say you are flirting and start an argument or a scene right there. Also, he may keep bringing it up over and over again when you are alone with him.

What you might not know is that when he sees another man approaching, he feels insecure. In his mind, the other man makes him feel less than. He doesn’t feel like he measures up on one or more levels. This sends him into a behavior that I call extra ego.

Extra Ego

Extra Ego is when a man puts on and air (and extra one). This is strictly done when he feels insecure. This is a puffed up state physically. He may add more bass to his voice, stick out his chest further, become a bit louder than usual, ignore the other man completely, hold your hand or hug you to claim his possession. He may even change his facial expression from a smile to a frown to hide the insecure image of himself. He will usually become more possessive with you by showing dominance through control.

Controlling

This is when he wants to dominate you by ordering your food or drinks. He will try to control you to the point where your voice is no longer heard. He does not like women who are opinionated or who express themselves so he will try to control your friends. He won’t understand why you want to go out so he will want you to stay at home. If you do have to go out he wants to know where you are at and give you a time to get back. Eventually, he will not want you communicating with your family and or friends. His plan is to cut off all other outward influences.

Fault Finder-Super Critical— He puts you down in public and privately.

He cannot stand to be outdone. If you show that you are intelligent, creative, and/or independent—He will find things that you do wrong and always bring them up. He becomes argumentative about the smallest of things just to make you feel small and belittled. Arguments are never fun. They will often end with you felling less than. If you are not careful he will try to give you his insecurity.

Remember, love gives and so does insecurity. People can only give you what they possess. When they possess love they can give it. However, when they are insecure they can only give insecurity to you. No matter how much they tell you that they love you they cannot change until their inner picture changes (self-image).  Until this happens their default program will be insecurity and you will receive all of the negative emotions that come from being with someone who is insecure. The end result will be emotional abuse.

  • Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person. Andrea Mathews LPC, NCC
  • “Any abusive behavior that isn’t physical, which may include verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation, which most often unfolds as a pattern of behavior over time that aims to diminish another person’s sense of identity, dignity and self-worth… One Love Foundation

The most important thing is that you take care of yourself. Love yourself, know your worth, and set boundaries. If you are in a relationship that you feel is abusive seek a support network, take care of yourself physically and if needed seek professional help.

Written by Allen Forbes
Author of Sandbox Personalities
When Grown-ups Act Like Toddlers Playing In A Sandbox