Tag: Allen Forbes

Speaker, Author, Team Building Guru and Former Verizon Business Executive

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Four Warning Signs that your Man is Insecure

Insecure Men

All relationships have there share of struggles and for many of us they may start to seem normal. However, there are some struggles that may be a sign that you need to heed. Maybe your man is not as secure as he is portraying and it is creating havoc in your relationship. Here are some signs to look out for.

Jealousy

Many people may act jealous but a man who is insecure begins to become overprotective with you in public. He can’t stand the fact that you get so much attention and he may even accuse you of flirting with other men. When another man walks by or is in your presence he will immediately look at you to see if you are looking at him. Because you are not blind, when you look at another man he will say you are flirting and start an argument or a scene right there. Also, he may keep bringing it up over and over again when you are alone with him.

What you might not know is that when he sees another man approaching, he feels insecure. In his mind, the other man makes him feel less than. He doesn’t feel like he measures up on one or more levels. This sends him into a behavior that I call extra ego.

Extra Ego

Extra Ego is when a man puts on and air (and extra one). This is strictly done when he feels insecure. This is a puffed up state physically. He may add more bass to his voice, stick out his chest further, become a bit louder than usual, ignore the other man completely, hold your hand or hug you to claim his possession. He may even change his facial expression from a smile to a frown to hide the insecure image of himself. He will usually become more possessive with you by showing dominance through control.

Controlling

This is when he wants to dominate you by ordering your food or drinks. He will try to control you to the point where your voice is no longer heard. He does not like women who are opinionated or who express themselves so he will try to control your friends. He won’t understand why you want to go out so he will want you to stay at home. If you do have to go out he wants to know where you are at and give you a time to get back. Eventually, he will not want you communicating with your family and or friends. His plan is to cut off all other outward influences.

Fault Finder-Super Critical— He puts you down in public and privately.

He cannot stand to be outdone. If you show that you are intelligent, creative, and/or independent—He will find things that you do wrong and always bring them up. He becomes argumentative about the smallest of things just to make you feel small and belittled. Arguments are never fun. They will often end with you felling less than. If you are not careful he will try to give you his insecurity.

Remember, love gives and so does insecurity. People can only give you what they possess. When they possess love they can give it. However, when they are insecure they can only give insecurity to you. No matter how much they tell you that they love you they cannot change until their inner picture changes (self-image).  Until this happens their default program will be insecurity and you will receive all of the negative emotions that come from being with someone who is insecure. The end result will be emotional abuse.

  • Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person. Andrea Mathews LPC, NCC
  • “Any abusive behavior that isn’t physical, which may include verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation, which most often unfolds as a pattern of behavior over time that aims to diminish another person’s sense of identity, dignity and self-worth… One Love Foundation

The most important thing is that you take care of yourself. Love yourself, know your worth, and set boundaries. If you are in a relationship that you feel is abusive seek a support network, take care of yourself physically and if needed seek professional help.

Written by Allen Forbes
Author of Sandbox Personalities
When Grown-ups Act Like Toddlers Playing In A Sandbox

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Help! I work with a Narcissist

Narcissist In The Workplace?

He did it again, he thinks that he is superior! She is so entitled and selfish! Have you ever thought or said this about someone at work or even your boss. It could be that you work with or for a Narcissist.  

In order to know for sure let me define what some narcissist personality traits are. A Narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest or admiration in themselves. They often lack empathy and have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. They operate from a perspective of superiority and they believe that is okay to be overbearing, bullying and takers.

The accumulation of things is evidence of control to a Narcissist, and that control; whether it is material, or a relationship – is important. Their mindset is: “control equals power.” They love to take control in their relationships. However, their aim is not necessarily to make the other person weak, the aim is to maintain their dominant position.

Unfortunately, a Narcissist will often view those who do not have control as weak and not worthy of respect. Therefore, when working with or having interactions with others, the ideas and contributions of ‘weaker folks” are not acknowledged.

Working with someone of this caliber is a killer to morale and can destroy a company culture faster than you can strike a match. Trying to match intensity with a Narcissist will be futile and cause more harm than good. However, you don’t have to become passive, be assertive and set boundaries. Your best approach is to always be your best and highest self. Lead by example and show them that there is a better way.

Show them how to give (serve) and invite them to experience the satisfaction that comes from giving and serving others. Let them see you use persistence positively (not bullying) for the benefit of the team. Show them how to be assertive and not overly aggressive. Most importantly, show them that they need to take responsibility for their actions. Modeling this behavior can help them to realize that their true wealth lies within their character. Sometimes we have to be the change that we want to see in others before they can change.

A few other tips…

  • Spend time with people who give you an honest reflection of who you are.In order to maintain perspective and avoid buying into the narcissist’s distortions, it’s important to spend time with people who know you as you really are and validate your thoughts and feelings. Helpguide.org (Source)

  • Maintain a positive outlook.
    If you are dealing with narcissists who derive pleasure from watching others suffer, then seeing the pain they cause will only egg them on to more aggressive counter-behavior. Don’t look ruffled, even if you’re feeling annoyed, and eventually that behavior will diminish in frequency. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. (Source)
  • In data from 37,000 college students, narcissistic personality traits rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980s to the present, with the shift especially pronounced for women. The rise in narcissism is accelerating, with scores rising faster in the 2000s than in previous decades. The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement (Source)

Blog by Allen Forbes
Author, Speaker and Team Building Guru
info@AFspeaks.com


A TEAM BUILDERS GUIDE FOR SUCCESS
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“What A Joke”

Code of Conduct Training…Does it really work?

man holding ice cream cone under cloud
Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

I remember having to take our code of conduct course every year on our corporate computer base training (CBT) program. This quick course would remind everyone of how we were to treat other employees and our customers. What was always amazing to me was that many times I saw the exact opposite of our code of conduct values being carried out between employees. I saw people being degraded, cursed out, harassed, and singled out for being different and even bullied. The interesting thing was that this was sometimes right after someone took the CBT. I thought, “What a joke!” People knew what they were supposed to do to pass the test but did not practice what was expected of them. Basically, they created their own culture because there was none present.

In order to truly affect a negative culture you have to understand how culture is built. Culture has three layers: surface, shallow and deep. In order to affect the culture of an organization we must understand those three layers and how they work.

For instance, imagine an ice cream sundae in a glass with a cherry on top represents culture. The cherry on top would represent the top surface level of culture—it’s bright and what people see first. The ice cream in the glass would represent the mid (shallow) level of culture; our attitudes and the way we act on unspoken rules. Now, the glass represents our lower deep level of culture. Just as the glass holds its contents together, deep culture does the same thing.  Deep level culture affects our conscious knowledge and unconscious assumptions that govern our worldview. This affects how we view good or bad, our spirituality and our beliefs.

In order to effectively change workplace culture, the deep culture of the organization will have to change. This will require not only having a value system but implementing that value system for the employees and creating a belief system that values all. Change does not take place because a few emails are sent out citing the values of the organization or through a code of conduct refresher once a year. Changing the culture takes training, time and patience. Creating an environment that is healthy and positive plays a powerful role in determining employee work satisfaction, relationships and progression.

  • Research by Deloitte has shown that 94% of executives and 88% of employees believe a distinct corporate culture is important to a business’ success.

  • The survey by Deloitte showed that 83% of executives and 84% of employees rank having engaged and motivated employees as the top factor that substantially contributes to a company’s success.
  • A Leadership and management style that encourages teamwork, open and honest communication is vital to creating a positive feeling in the workplace. Dr. Pragya Agarwal (Forbes.com)
  • Corporate cultures that are lacking in key departments, or even starting to turn toxic, can prompt employees to become indifferent about the work they are doing, damage trust in leadership and increase the chances of infighting among teams. Forbes Coaches Council (Forbes.com)

Allen Forbes
Author, Speaker and Team Building Guru
info@AFspeaks.com

A TEAM BUILDERS GUIDE FOR SUCCESS

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The Bottom Line

Should Management Listen to Their Employees

 

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My wife and I have trained and taught thousands of individuals. However, when we are training on workforce development we usually hear about how employees feel they are treated. They share how they are often met by management with “it’s my way or the highway” attitude. They often feel like they don’t have a voice and that they are not significant enough to listen to. This leaves the employee feeling undervalued, invisible and often disgruntled.

In most cases we realize that the company/organization has a culture problem. Either there is no culture, bad culture or a poorly communicated culture issue. High level management is not usually aware of this predicament but they notice it on the bottom line. Sales are down, predictions are missed, morale is loss and grumblings are at all levels within the organization.

Top level management is usually focused on innovation and the bottom lines. Mid-level management is focused on spreadsheets, sales and operations. While lower level management has to focus on getting the job done and metrics. In the instances when we see employees feeling undervalued, the problem is that little or no emphasis is focused on the people doing the work or the organization’s culture. While top level management may initiate a company culture it is often loss between the spreadsheets, sales, operations, metrics and day to day activities.

When a company or organization recognizes that the people within the organization are just as valuable if not more than the product or service being delivered they will notice a positive jump in the bottom line. When employees are valued, respected and listened to they feel better about the work that they do and become invested in their careers.
An organization that places great value on its employees will produce a company culture that thrives and exceeds their customers’ expectations while improving their bottom line.

• Productivity improves by 20-25% in organizations with connected employees. (Source: The McKinsey Global Institute)

• 58% of employees say poor management is the biggest thing getting in the way of productivity. (Source: Society for Human Resource Management)

• Employees who exercise their strengths on a daily basis are 8% more productive and 6x more likely to be engaged. (Source: Gallup)

• Teams with high employee engagement rates are 21% more productive and have 28% less internal theft than those with low engagement. (Source: Gallup)

• Organizations with low employee engagement scores saw 18% lower productivity, 16% lower profitability, 37% lower job growth, and 65% lower share price over time. (Source: Queens School of Business and by the Gallup)

Allen Forbes
Author, Speaker and Team Building Guru
info@AFspeaks.com

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A Team Builders Guide for Success